I’ve had it up to here with advice columnist Amy Alkon, a.k.a. “the advice goddess.” She’s syndicated in (according to her Web site) over 100 papers across the U.S., including, unfortunately, my local weekly.
Apparently her only training came from giving advice on street corners – she appears to have no psychological training or even any sort of grasp of basic gender theory, yet she gets paid to mouth off dating advice that hasn’t been realistic since sometime before the invention of color TV.
Her columns frequently make reference to tired old gender stereotypes and pass them off as “scientific” or “evolutionary” fact: that all men desire thin, young women – and lots of them; and of course, all women desire rich men and monogamy. Men don’t like women who make the first move; women don’t like men who are “too sensitive.” I haven’t taken an anthropology course in over a decade, and even I know that’s just sexist propaganda. But don’t take my word for it – read Natalie Angier’s “Woman: An Intimate Geography.”
Her latest column, “Donut Seem Unfair?” really takes the cake. In it, a frustrated husband (“Weighed Down”) is upset that his wife has gained 20 pounds and now he isn’t attracted to her. What’s worse, the wife says she’s happy with her weight! She’s not even dieting, for god’s sake! The horrors!
True to form, Alkon tows the patriarchal line. She agrees with Weighed Down, likening the wife’s gaining weight to the husband suddenly deciding to quit his job – like natural bodily changes are some sort of defiance against reasonable expectations of responsibility. She repeats the tired old line about how men’s libidos are primarily visual – with the assumption that wives are supposed to cater to said libidos.
Here’s where it gets really stupid: She defines marriage as a business partnership, one where “each partner has their end of the bargain to hold up, including not becoming substantially different from the person the other person married.” Wow. What a stunning lack of understanding of human nature.
Aside from the inner growth that most humans experience throughout their lives, what about the simple reality of aging? I mean, despite all the diets and gym time, eventually shit will sag. Hair will turn grey. Wrinkles will appear. On both men and women. If a woman writes to complain that her husband of 20 years is going bald, will she give the same advice to her? After all, in Amy Alkon world, we’re not supposed to change! We’re obligated by the marriage contract to stay the same!
Shit, even the Christians know this is unrealistic. That’s why their wedding vows include “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” In other words, loving your partner through all the changes and trials and bad haircuts. That’s what a real partnership means.
And to Weighed Down’s wife: you go girl. Leave that shallow asshole and find a man who appreciates a big, beautiful, confident woman.
