Friday a local woman was stabbed to death by her abusive ex-boyfriend. 26-year-old Jill Ulmer was attacked by her ex-boyfriend, 41-year-old Ricky Ray Anderson. She called 911; when the police arrived, they saw Anderson stabbing her and shot at him (but missed). They were able to arrest him but not after Ulmer suffered multiple fatal stab wounds.
It appears to be a fairly common scenario: women who try to leave abusive relationships are at the highest risk of being hurt. According to the Morning News, Ulmer had called the police before out of fear of Anderson; she recently had the locks changed on her apartment. She had a protective order against him, which he had violated just months before this attack.
As a child who witnessed domestic violence, and the nightmare of trying to escape it, I can understand Ulmer’s situation. She was doing her best, in fear of her life, to simply walk away and live her life without being abused.
Yet judging from the comments section of this story, the old “blame-the-victim” mentality is still alive and well. Many commenters stated that Ulmer is somehow to blame for making such a “poor choice” in dating the much older, black, married felon. OK, I agree – dating a felon is pretty dumb, and dating a married man isn’t exactly the path to happiness, but to imply that she deserved to be beaten and stabbed to death is ignorant, sexist, or both. She was trying to escape. She was playing by the rules. And all it got her was a violent death and condemnation for her “poor choices.”
Edit: Another local blogger and old friend, Richard S. Drake, has suggested creating a Domestic Abuser Registry. Read more here.
9 responses so far ↓
Guy Incognito // June 30, 2009 at 1:32 pm |
She is partially to blame. How can any woman date a convict felon, 15 years older than her and expect to be fine? When are women going to take responsibility for their actions? If I start dating a thief and then wake up with my stuff stolen. Who is going to give me sympathy?
If I go out to a rough neighborhood late at night and get robbed, I should have know better too.
If someone is running a red light and then gets into a car accident and dies. The death is sad, but you have to put some of the responsibility on the law breaker that died.
A law of relationships, any young girl that goes out with a much older man who is a convicted felon is asking for trouble… period.
Wise up women!!!! Don’t be so stupid, even the devil can act like an angel to get what he wants.
You have the power to determine the happiness you have. Men do not have control, unless you give it to them! She gave her control away when she decided to get involved with a married, covicted felon, 15 years her senior. Once she let him into her life, it was over for her.
Guy Incognito // June 30, 2009 at 1:39 pm |
Oh, and to say she was playing by the rules is wrong. Rule number one is to demand more out your relationships than sharing a convicted felon with his wife.
Laura Cowan // July 1, 2009 at 6:24 am |
Don’t blame the victim, it’s not her fault. I too am a Domestic Violence Survivor. Trust is an issue, dating is all about trust, and you start out trusting, but when trust is broken, then it’s time to revaluate, even leave.
No one deserves to be treated like she was. Love doesn’t hurt. The most dangerous time in a Domestic Violence relationship is when the victim wakes up and tries to leave. I am a survivor, she wasn’t. God keep her at peace. If anyone is to be blamed, it’s the perpetrator, not the vicim.
Laura Cowan // July 1, 2009 at 6:32 am |
Also, Domestic violence, also called domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual or homosexual relationships.
It may not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time.
Dating violence crosses all racial, economic and social lines. Most victims are young women, who are also at greater risk for serious injury.
Again, it’s not the victims fault. There is no excuse for domestic violence. Famous excuses such as: “He/She had it coming”, “He/She hit me first”, “He/She started it” are not acceptable excuses for inflicting pain on others. Blaming the victim for the abuse is something that abusers commonly do.
Guy Incognito // July 1, 2009 at 8:19 am |
Laura, I agree with what you said in 95%+ of cases. But using domestic violence as a broad brush to absolve people of resposibility is intellectually dishonest. This is not a case of someone releaving his true colors when you are already in a relationship. This was a case of ignoring warning signs and proceeding full steam ahead.
Did she deserve this? NO – emphatically NO. But neither does the speeder who runs the red light to die in a car accident. The punishment did not fit the crime, but that does not mean that the woman does not bear some responsibility in this particular case.
You mentioned how relationships are built on trust. And I am saying any woman who believes that they can trust (aka have a relationship) with a man who:
1) Broke the law and is a convicted felon (violating society’s trust)
2) Is married and is cheating on his wife (violating his wife’s trust and an oath to God)
3) Is 15 years older than she is when she’s in her 20s. (showing that is motives are less than pure)
To put it bluntly, that woman is stupid. NOTHING good can come from ignoring these facts and proceeding with a relationship. And there is something wrong with ANY woman who believes that she doesn’t deserve more than to share the “love” of a married, convicted felon, that wants a woman half is age. That woman needs to think more of herself to demand more out of life.
In this specific case, the woman was foolish. Did she deserve it, of course not! Does she bear some responsibility, of course she does. I just pray that other woman will use her life as an example to want more out of their relationships and to find a loving man they can trust (not married, or a convicted felon, or twice their age – and especially not all three).
Laura Cowan // July 1, 2009 at 9:14 am |
Hey there Guy Incognito, thanks for replying back. It really is sad about Jill Ulmer.
Violence like this occurs every day in every community, and victims need our support. In addition to getting them the help they need, we must all make a commitment to teach the next generation that violence is always wrong. Only when we do that will incidents like this become part of our past, rather than part of our everyday lives.
Guy, look at Chris Brown and Rhianna, this case is a chilling reminder of how dangerous domestic and dating violence can be, how quickly it can escalate, how badly youth like Mr. Brown who grow up in violent homes need intervention, and how urgently victims need services. And Chris has a clean past, no felonies, or violent past history.
Guy I feel like this, a man who abuses his wife or girlfriend doesn’t have the same kind of relationship with the truth that normal people do. For him, the truth is entirely conditional. This rare quality is what renders the abusive man so confounding, so dangerous. No matter how messed up they seem to be, most people, at some point, come down to a truth that for them is a constant. Something for them, which is organic to them, is always true for them. You never betray your family. You don’t take what isn’t yours. You never hit a woman. Whatever it might be for any given person, for them it’s a constant. It’s a steady, inviolate part of their consciousness and behavior.
An abusive man has no consistent or immutable truth within him, because his entire life is a lie. He is a lie. When he goes out in the world, he does not go out as a man who beats his wife. He goes out as a man who shares the values and morals of all the men out in the world who don’t beat their wives. He is pretending to be someone he isn’t. He is pretending to care about things he doesn’t. He is pretending to believe in things he doesn’t. He is pretending to have nothing in particular to be profoundly ashamed of.
When it comes to your abusive man, ignore what your eyes, ears, mind, and even heart tell you about him. You can believe nothing about him. It’s like a nightmare: the best, surest, and quickest way to make one end is to simply open your eyes.
A woman whose man periodically abuses her looks into her own heart, and sees a loving, caring, gentle person who only wants what’s best for herself and those whom she loves. Then she looks at her man, and can’t help but think that his abusive behavior is some kind of foreign, freak aberration, a terrible, alien force that for some unfathomable reason sometimes comes over him, changes him, works its evil magic, and then disappears again.
“He just can’t be so different than me,” she thinks. “He’s a human, after all. And he loves. He loves his children. He loves me. I know he does. He shows me that, too. It’s just this … evil that comes over him. But that evil is not who he really is. It’s something he becomes. When it happens, it’s almost like he can’t help himself.”
She thinks, “Someday his demons will once and for all flee him. He’ll beat them. We’ll beat them. And then I’ll have the man I’ve always known my man really is.”
If you’re a woman in an abusive relationship who recognizes these thought patterns as your own, think this: Rabid Dog.
A rabid dog can be just as loving, cuddly and respectful as any other dog. But then, suddenly (and literally) he snaps, and goes crazy violent. Then he calms down again, and becomes just as sweet as can be. Until he has another attack.
An abusive man has psychological rabies. He has a disease. It’s a curable one—but it is a disease. And just like a person with rabies can’t get rid of them without going to a doctor and undertaking intense, painful, long-term medical therapy, so an abusive man can’t get rid of what turns him crazy without going to a trained mental health counselor, and undertaking intense, painful, long-term treatment.
An abusive man needs immediate, serious, outside help from someone qualified to give it to him. On his own, he’s no more likely to “recover” from his disease than a mad dog is likely to spontaneously heal. That’s just not going to happen.
You need to get out of that relationship, and he needs to get help. Period. Either that, or you can stay in your abusive relationship, and keep telling yourself that the man who hits you isn’t really a man who hits you. So Jill Ulmer, rest in peace my dear.
eLwood // July 3, 2009 at 7:01 pm |
What was wrong with the picture?
You report the victim had her entrance locks changed before the murder.
Yet, she made the call and NAT reports the police saw the perp enter the door when they entered the parking lot.
Then police must break a window because they cannot break in the door.
So the elephant in the room is how did the perp get in?
.
Marny // July 22, 2009 at 7:42 pm |
I am disgusted by what you say about it being her fault…I was a victim of abuse and at the time, my mind didn’t understand it. Also, you don’t know the real truth and exactly where she was coming from. I knew Jill and knew how kind and generous she was. She also may have had a hard time lookin in the wrong places for love and attention. Who are you to say that women need to wise up? Maybe these men need to wise up too. This could happen to anybody and thank God it hasn’t happened to you. So, before you write your “righteous” responses to blame abused as the instigator, think again because maybe you don’t know where her heart was at or where she was coming from in the whole situation. May she rest in peace and hopefully ALL will learn from this situation
Guy Incognito // July 26, 2009 at 5:05 pm |
I did not say that it was her fault. I said that she is partially responsible. I am not saying that victims are at fault, but I am saying that Jill was playing with fire. You date a man 20 years your senior who is a married convicted felon, and you get what you get. If you pick up a snake and get bit, no one would be surprised.
Jill might have been a generous person, but she wasn’t smart. Period. You can’t expect to be in her situation and think that something good is going to happen. If she would have thought it through she would have not even started dating the guy.
And trying to swing things back on the man, and saying that “maybe these men need to wise up” is just intellectually dishonest. These guys are doing EXACTLY what they want. They know what’s going on and the are dictating how things go. Jill was the one fooled, not him. He used her for what he wanted. He was married and was able to go out and sleep with a young girl 20 years his junior. He made her believe that he was a good person. That was calculating, and exactly what he wanted to happen.
Women that get into these relationships need to start demanding more for themselves. They need to see that they don’t need to compromise on things like finding a guy who is not twice her age, or a felon, or married. If Jill thought more of herself she wouldn’t have settled with sharing an old man with his wife.
The mad dog analogy is a good one that Laura used, but in the analogy the dog is put down once it attacks a human. No such luck here.
I wish they would put him down. And I wish women everywhere will demand more out of the men in their lives. Make sure they really know them and the type of person he is. Then maybe we won’t be seeing so many of these sad stories.
And for women who need help trying to find a good guy. One simple rule for dating a guy: Ignore everything they say, and only pay attention to what they do.